How to win friends and influence people

If you're reading this page, the chances are you're socially retarded. Have difficulty making friends? Annoy people without quite knowing why? Then this page is for you. I'm also incompetent in this sphere, but I have learnt a few tricks to help. Before anyone complains, let me issue the caveat that you'll always meet individuals you can't classify and don't behave as expected. This page is all a generalization, but then you can't make any kind of meaningful analysis without generalizing. These tips are the sort of thing that appear in FHM entitled "How to manipulate the sad losers in your office", but as you probably fall into that category, this is more like a "How to be less of a sad loser in your office".

What do you say after you say Hello?

People like talking, and they like those they can talk to. But what do people like talking about? Themselves, of course. But unless you live in California, we don't typically reveal too much personal info to a casual acquaintance. You need to find a middle ground of what you both can make small talk about. I have a rule that if you watch football you can talk to any bloke, and if you catch the soaps you can chat with any girl. This isn't actually a bad idea, as basically they don't change; as long as you know a few details you can bullshit your way through a conversation in no time; add them to your conversational repertoire!

The way they see it.

Of course, it's all very well talking about the same subjects, but that's just the first step. To really get on, you have to talk about things in the same way. One of the fundamental divisions between people is their relationship to strangers -- how do they see them? Are they decent, deceiving or just plain weird? There are really only a handful of categories that people place strangers in, and if you listen closely they'll usually sum it up for you very simply:

• Optimistic. Other people are there to help you
• Pessimistic. People just want to scam you
• Surreal. Strangers are a very weird bunch.
• Ignorant. There's one born every minute, etc.
• Superior. Other people are better than me in every way (v. rare)

I suppose there's an acronym of POSIS there. Once you know how someone sees the world, it's easier to tailor your anecdotes to fit.

What I want from you

Perhaps more important than working out how people see the world is to recognize the responses they're expecting. Are the stories told played for laughs, sympathy, to educate, provoke a discussion, or even a fight? I fall firmly into the former category, and if I can't make someone smile weakly, I tend to feel a little affronted. Where most geeks fall down is answering an emotional question with an intellectual response. Here's a couple of quick examples:

Girlfriend: "Do you love me?"
(emotional request)

Boyfriend:"What is love?"
(intellectual response)

I think Prince Charles said something very similar once.
This one's a tad more topical:

Girl:"God, I felt so sorry for Beckham when he missed that penalty!"
(emotional sympathy)

Boy:"He's a big boy, he'll get over it."
(intellectual response)

Of course, the gender roles can be reversed -- guys have feelings too!

Tell lies

When people ask you what you honestly think, this is hidden code for, "Please tell me what I want to hear". I forgot this simple rule recently, and no amount of back-pedaling could undo the damage. Honesty is not much of a virtue, and people who call a spade a spade are usually just plain rude. We all need some help from time to time to continue deluding ourselves with whatever myths we've incorporated into our identity, and your job is to play along with them. Remember, truth is like the sunlight -- they used to think it was good for you.

reciprocal co-disclosure

Once you've established a rapport, you need to cement the bonds by revealing some personal information of yourself. This doesn't mean exposing your latent homosexuality after a couple of pints, but let people know just enough about yourself so that they have something to latch onto. Reciprocal co-disclosure is really just a fancy word for saying that you both reveal a little about each other. Be careful not to turn this into an excuse to talk about yourself, as that's a sure-fire way of being boring.
Be careful to be consistent with the type of information that you reveal. People are big on stereotypes, so if you can fall into an easily defined archetype then so much the better. If say, you're known in the office for your excessive drinking, don't try and ruin the image by telling people that you read Kierkegaard; you'll only confuse them.

If you do nothing else, do this.

The key point to remember is to listen. Simple really, but it bears repeating. We like those who take an active interest in us, and we're likely to return the favour. It's also important to keep a sense of perspective. No matter how you behave, there are some people who will never like you; don't worry about it, and just concentrate on those that do.